Healthy disagreement

The message appears to be: “Conflict will bring innovation and business success. Do not avoid it, head directly towards it and tough it out (but have HR on standby just in case).” We see things differently. Those stories, although they may be true, can create an unhelpful mindset to resolving differences of opinion. It can drive unhealthy or incomplete decision-making.

Here’s the problem. In conflict, most people have a simple reaction: attack or avoid (fight or flight). That can make any resulting conversation and its outcome less than optimal. If I’m contributing to a discussion while I am in a stress-response mode or making a decision simply to extricate myself from the discussion, it does not lead to high performance.

What’s the alternative? When we work with decision-making groups and help people engage in healthy, productive, well-formed disagreement (not conflict), it leads to more sustainable outcomes, strategically and personally. Better conversations lead to better results. But how do we move towards sustainable, well-formed disagreement?

The answer to that question begins with two important steps:

• Step one: Dispel the myths that are unsustainable
• Step two: Replace those myths with tangible (sustainable) actions.

Before we look at the myths, I challenge you to do one small thing right now. Language matters when it comes to shaping culture, informing our mindset and shifting perceptions, so we recommend replacing the word ‘conflict’ with ‘disagreement’. This simple change is incredibly effective.

Dispelling myths

1. The myth of ‘false harmony’
We often put an unsustainable level of energy into meetings and conversations to appear OK with discussions or decisions when in reality we are not. We waste effort in the performance of consensus and maintaining the veneer of harmony.
Replace this myth with structure.

2. The myth that avoiding conflict means it doesn’t happen
Here, we are just replacing conflict with something that appears easier but is equally unhelpful. The time and effort we put into skirting around topics means we are often sitting with time-wasting, unsustainable tension. Avoiding the conflict does not avoid the tension.
Replace this myth with discipline.

3. The myth that disagreement will feel comfortable
How have we concluded that discussing a difference of opinion will be the same as socialising with friends? As Luvvie Ajayi Jones said in her TED Talk, “get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable”.
Replace this myth with skill.

Why dispel the myths?

You don’t have to; there is always a choice. We should recognise that for certain organisational cultures these myths can work and they can maintain the status quo. In our experience, when decision-making groups hold on to these three myths, the following may occur:

• Critical conversations happen ‘outside the room’ and take longer to resolve or end in stalemate
• Meeting time is wasted and, inevitably, more meetings are needed, creating a pointless, frustrating cycle
• Topics are discussed at surface level and some decisions do not stick. We’re continually looking for a consensus that never arrives.

At best, this is strategically frustrating; at worst, it is a risky mix of wasted resource and limited innovation. On a personal level, we have finite resources of energy and motivation, and too much of this spent in frustration becomes unsustainable. It affects the quality of our lives. Holding on to these myths can be strategically risky and personally unsustainable. Which brings us to our next step of replacing them with tangible, sustainable actions.

How to replace the myths

1. Shift your thinking
The place to start to change any group or organisational culture (beyond a series of hiring and firing) is to shift our thinking.
Simple changes can be the most helpful place to start. For example, our earlier suggestion to change the use of language from ‘conflict’ to ‘disagreement’ is an easy, tangible step.
When we work with decision-making groups, we help them identify and adopt language that helps the group and the individuals to shift their thinking. It’s one of the important changes needed to apply our BRAVE Principles.
Most relevant here is the BRAVE Principle of ‘Disagreement is not failure, disagreement is not dislike’. Change your language to shift your thinking so you can start to change your approach to disagreement.

2. Apply the BRAVE Pillars
Apply our three pillars to your meetings, conversations or any place where true discussion and collaboration is needed. Replace myths with the three pillars of structure, discipline and skill, as outlined in ‘The three pillars in practice’.

THE THREE PILLARS IN PRACTICE

PILLAR 1: STRUCTURE
Turn ‘false harmony’ into clarity by checking that any initial ‘OK’ in a conversation is deep agreement. We are not talking about interrogating, quite the opposite. You need to add structure and regularly state that different opinions are welcome. Create a culture where people can speak up. Put value on diversity of input.
Potential outcome? You will make real progress towards your goals.

PILLAR 2: DISCIPLINE
Turn the tension created by avoiding conflict into energy for well-formed disagreement. It requires having the discipline to both notice and acknowledge when a topic needs more time and attention. Create a culture where people are disciplined and will debate the idea not the person. Put value on the art of disagreement.
Potential outcome? You will shape the best version of any idea.

PILLAR 3: SKILL
Turn discomfort into conviction by clearly stating the reality of any difficult situation and its resulting emotions. Acknowledging discomfort is often the first step to reducing the reaction. Create a culture where emotional regulation is a critical and expected skill within your teams. Put value on skilful and respectful discomfort.
Potential outcome? You will have skilful and resilient teams.

In summary

Can work conflict be conducted in a sustainable way? If false harmony, group-think and comfort are your goals, the answer is ‘no’.
When we drop the expectation of comfort and embrace the art and joy of well-formed disagreement, it allows resilience, progress and innovation to happen.
Well-formed disagreement is the stronger, sustainable foundation for the future. The world is currently screaming at us to do something different and to do better. It’s time we started listening and really talking to one another.

Sara Hickman is principal consultant and owner at We Are BRAVE
wearebrave.co.uk/brave-principles